Rejection sucks

So I made a modest proposal of submission to a wonderful woman I know. She is a good friend, someone I trust and admire, and absolutely tolerant. She has dominated men before, as well, or at least a man. The relationship in that case was very much driven by his needs, but she was a good sport.

She has known for some time about my submissive drive. I have shared some of my stories with her, which in itself has been a relief -- sometimes it just kills me not to be able to talk about what is going on in my head. And she is kind to me, letting me perform little tasks like getting her water, or being the "sandwich bitch," and going to fetch lunch.

I really do love her, I'm afraid, though I have no hopes or expectations of becoming her lover. I would be happy for the tiniest slice of intimacy, being allowed into her life as her slave. So finally, heart pounding, deep in the grip of need, I asked her if I could kiss her boots. She reacted with a bit of shock, and a lot of "no."

I can only compare it to forming a deep, heartfelt crush on a girl, asking her out, and getting rejected. It's pretty crushing, especially (I think) for me -- I have a long history of being too cowardly to approach women at all, so this was quite a departure from the usual. And my feelings are pretty much (I think) what every guy has ever felt in my position, including a little bit of "For all your talk of being a radical queer interested in subverting traditional heteronormative relationships, you are only attracted to pretty, hairless, thin, young, boys" and a smidgen of "I am offering you my experience and support and creativity on a platter and only asking for access to a small piece of your friendship. How can you turn that down? Are you an idiot?"

So I'm pretty goddam miserable, and feel worse about myself than usual, and am struggling to remember all the things that I love about this woman and that make her special, because they're all still true. I'm also trying to remember all the things that me special, though I am less certain of their value. I'd like to lie in bed with a pint of ice cream and let the world go to hell for a while, but I'm broke, and I need to work anyway.

Fuck, it hurts.